Once you’ve been married a while, you realize you know your spouse really, really well — inside and out.
Below, we’ve rounded up 23 hilariously accurate tweets about life as a married person.
My wife’s favourite hobby is texting me a question and not reading the answer
— FU Tang Clan (@FU_Dad) April 26, 2019
Husband woke me up before my alarm.
We duel at sunset.
— *Lady V* (@tanbotha24) April 2, 2019
My willingness to clean food out of the sink drain is my wife’s biggest turn on.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 9, 2019
My husband thinks I let him sleep in on the weekends because he works all week but really, it’s because I’d rather drink my morning coffee in silence.
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) March 30, 2019
Me: I love you so much.
Husband: Aww! I love you too.
Me: I was talking to the garlic bread.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 1, 2019
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 27, 2019
One day, you’re madly in love. The next day, you’re married to someone who burps “Livin’ on a Prayer” as he makes breakfast.
— Just J (@junejuly12) April 30, 2019
My most commonly used phrase in my marriage is “You can’t tell but I actually cleaned a lot today.”
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) April 12, 2019
My husband and I are testing the strength of our marriage by working on a 1,000 piece puzzle together. Your words of encouragement would be appreciated during this trying time.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 20, 2019
Husband: I thought you liked it slow?
Me: But the Game of Thrones theme song is almost over!
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) April 26, 2019
My favourite life change that comes with marriage is the meaning of “we” to “you”.
We should paint.
We have to take out the trash.
We need to make dinner.
We’d better not track mud through the house again, or we may die.
— Life📌UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ (@LifeUnPinterest) January 22, 2018
My wife bumped into a friend while we were grocery shopping so I spent the time completing an entire online course on Constitutional Law.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) April 22, 2019
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!
And that is how marriage works.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 6, 2019
“Was that thunder, or did you overstuff the washing machine again?” and other questions my husband asks even though he won’t like the answer.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 1, 2019
Me: What’s another term for microwaving?
Me: HA! Yep! So enjoy this home-cooked meal.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 27, 2019
My wife just realized that the dvr hasn’t been recording Dateline….
….of course she immediately blamed “the husband”.
— fundy (@funderlaw) April 7, 2019
get married so you can say sentences like “did you just fart or is that the kitchen garbage”
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 24, 2019
My wife just got her portable raised garden bed set up, so heads up: we’ll be selling a portable raised garden bed in about three months
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) May 1, 2019
25% of marriage is asking your spouse to bring you a new roll of toilet paper.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 29, 2019
Zoo Guide: Condors use clicks and hissing sounds to communicate with each other.
Me: Wow. I’m in a Condor marriage.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) April 23, 2019
I don’t know what it says about my wife that it took her less time to decide she wanted to spend her life with me than it did to pick a new throw blanket to match the couch.
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) April 29, 2019
My wife (who is currently in labor) just took a moment between contractions to remind me that I failed to get the trash out on time three weeks ago.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 25, 2019
Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.
— Annexiety (@anniemalistics) April 28, 2019