Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Parenting is complaining bitterly about someone leaving only crumbs in the near-empty Cheezit box, then eating the crumbs anyway.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 7, 2019
Me: *yelling up the stairs* Are you awake?
Me: Are you dressed?
6: You’re asking a lot.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2019
My toddler just got a hold of a tub of butter, rubbed it all over her legs, and said “lotion you can eat” and I feel like she may be onto something.
— bottom of my purse (@Bottomofmypurse) April 7, 2019
If you put your kids to bed an hour after their bedtime, and they wake up 2 hours earlier than usual, how many cups of coffee will it take to survive the day?
This is the kind of math they should be teaching in school.
— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) April 6, 2019
Questions you never need to ask a toddler:
– What do you think of the dinner I made?
– Do you mind repeating that?
– Seen any cool bugs lately?
– Will you come watch me poop?
– Want to push the elevator button?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 10, 2019
I just found out that the hockey team my son’s friends are joining next year costs $3,000 per kid and I never thought I’d say this but I’m going to start encouraging the recorder.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 6, 2019
Things go down fast when you have kids. One second everything is fine kids are calm eating lunch, then you blink and there’s milk everywhere someone got stabbed with a fork everyone is screaming and you’re in the corner crying.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 10, 2019
Get married and have kids so instead of spending Sunday morning sleeping in you can get up too early and repeatedly reheat your coffee while panicking that the neighbors heard you threaten to murder your children if they can’t find a way to share the Magna-tiles.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 7, 2019
Getting my kids out of the house on Monday mornings is my cardio.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 8, 2019
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 7, 2019
If you’ve never had an adorable little human follow you into the bathroom and say “good job” after you wipe yourself, you wanna borrow mine?
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 10, 2019
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 9, 2019
Kids mispronouncing things is super adorable but at some point I will have to tell my daughter we don’t put Farmer John cheese on spaghetti.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 8, 2019
My preschooler just complained about a 4K video buffering if you were wondering how the current batch of generation z is coming along.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 6, 2019
Nothing prepares you for when your kid wants to show you how loose their tooth is.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 10, 2019
First born: Maintained and loved in a warm, protective, and impenetrable bubble.
Last born: Treats toilet as his own personal splash park, and I’m like “Whatevs, it’s a bath night.”
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) April 10, 2019
You have not seen moody until you’ve picked up a pre-teen from a sleepover where he ate nothing but candy and only slept 2 hours.
Susan Lucci has nothing on this kid today.
— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) April 7, 2019
When it’s your toddler’s bedtime and he starts singing all the songs in his repertoire after lights out.
It would appear his lyrical knowledge is endless. I’m both impressed and horrified.
— Manic Mama (@JannaKilimnik) April 10, 2019
Oh, you lost, your tooth? With only five minutes before bedtime? The tooth fairy must be thrilled. Absolutely thrilled. I’m sure she didn’t have anything else to do tonight. This is just so, so great.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 11, 2019